By Olivia Wiens
Non-Ontarian students have discovered that milk does not come in cartons or bottles within the province, but in bags.
These students are disturbed by Ontario’s habit of bagging milk and have come to the conclusion that it is due to a province-wide milk fetish.
In order to combat this disturbing fact, a group of out-of-province Canadian students have organized the Anti-Bagged Milk Club (ABMC). All 23 of Ryerson’s out-of-province students have joined the ABMC. Their motto is “If you put milk in a bag, we’ll put you in a bag.”
Members of the club gather outside the Sheldon & Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre every Wednesday to chuck bagged milk at random citizens, because they really don’t want to be associated with bagged milk drinkers.
“I grew up in British Columbia and until I came to Toronto, I never actually knew how sick some people really are,” said Julia Fawlen, one of the cofounders of the ABMC.
Fawlen first heard about bagged milk through her Ontario-born friend who claims he likes to poke the bags of milk for fun. “He sent me a video and everything! He aggressively poked the bag with his finger and milk just came shooting out of that hole at the top. It was pornographic.”
This made her realize that many Ontarians solely support bagged milk due to their untapped milk fetish.
Dairy psychologist and fetish expert Eugene “Moo” Wilson has researched this phenomenon and has come to the conclusion that Ontarians’ sexual attractions to milk stem from deep-seated mommy issues.
“Statistically, Ontarian children drink from their mother’s breast a whole four years longer than the average Canadian child,” Wilson said. “Due to this, Ontarians develop an unhealthy attachment to their mother’s breast, and it is believed that adults attempt to compensate for this by filling boob-resembling bags with milk.”
“Milk bag feel like boob. Boob milk good,” said a certain Ryerson president who chose to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. He declined any further comment.
The ABMC is actively fighting against the dairy-pornagraphy addiction that bagged milk encourages.
“I am not one to kink-shame,” Fawlen said, “But to know that my milk products are inspired by breastfeeding is a bit unsettling.”
The ABMC has expressed worry that they will come off as anti-Ontarian.
“We are anti-bagged milk, and if you happen to be from Ontario that’s just unfortunate altogether, but not entirely related,” Fawlen said. “At least you’re not from Quebec.”