By Alice Thee Academic
Please forgive me for the shocking statement I am about to make: I have written academic papers (WAP).
As a certified Fearless Recorder of Educational Academia and Knowledge (FREAK), seven days a week, it is well within my jurisdiction to have written several scholarly pieces on a variety of topics. Some of my most famous papers include “Bucket and a Mop: A History of Classic Household Cleaning Products,” “A Physical Review of Parking that Big Mack Truck Right in a Little Garage” and “Macaroni in a Pot: Kitchen Sounds and their Connection to Sexual Deviance.”
WAP runs in my family. It started with my great, great grandmother. She didn’t cook, she didn’t clean, but her academic essay on obtaining her ring garnered international recognition. Since then, the women of our family have followed the same path to WAP. Truly, there are generations of whores for academia in this house.
When I was 22 I was awarded a scholarship that paid my tuition to pursue my master’s in WAP at Ryerson. Now in my final year, I’m known as “Big D” (for Big Demeanour) due to my academic prowess.
My essays are so good that a man once purchased a phone just to stay in touch with my WAP. After diving into a particularly thoughtful essay on “That Little Dangly Dang That Swang: Artistic Representations of the Uvula,” he said he was so engrossed in my WAP that it was difficult for him to withdraw.
Some critics, particularly males, find my WAP controversial. Despite the fact I never asked, they’ve let me know it is too bold, or even vulgar, for me to be this expressive about my WAP. Ironically, academia has historically been dominated by male writers who’ve never been held accountable for their explicit writing, such as “A Comprehensive Argument for Only Referring to Women as Bitches,” “Analysis: When He Talks About What His Car Does, He Actually Means his Penis” and “Haha You Said Butt.”
Personally, I find these essays dry. And frankly, if men aren’t familiar with the concept of WAP, it’s more than likely that they’re lacking in practical research. It sounds like a them problem to me.
I share my story in the hopes of inspiring others to express themselves freely, be out in public and make a scene. Make no mistake—The path to WAP isn’t an easy one. My Aunt Meg was once accused of plagiarism—one of the greatest dishonours in the academic world, greater than robbing students out of tens of thousands of dollars for a firm piece of paper—by a jealous colleague.
At the trial, she relied on research skills and reputation to defend herself, convincing the judge of her FREAK status, providing the judge with an impeccably organized bibliography and in the end bringing him to his knees as HE asked HER for pardon.
Since then, I’ve resolved to never lose a fight—though I will entertain the foreplay. I will continue honouring the WAP legacy.
On a final note, I should say that essays are not the only WAP I possess. Just because I’m an academic doesn’t mean this coochie dry <3