By Zachary Roman
As ballots for the 2020 U.S. election continue to be counted, competition in the highly contested battleground state of Ryerson Campus is heating up, and the CNN guy who points at the map and says numbers couldn’t be more stoked if he tried.
After chugging his 13th espresso of the day, CNN’s John King told The Eyeopener that the state of Ryerson Campus is reporting 50 per cent of votes cast in the state have been counted so far. Currently, there are 69 votes for Biden, 49 for Trump, 29 for Eggy the Ram and one for Kanye West.
Ryerson Campus, a historically blue (and yellow) state, has seen a surge in support for Trump and the Republicans this year, in large part from groups like the Ryerson Campus Conservatives, Ryerson People’s Party Club, Toronto Police Service and those assholes who stand around campus with anti-abortion signs.
“There are so many FAKE mail-in votes stealing this election from real Americans,” said local Republican businessman Ronald Dump Jr. “I find it VERY STRANGE that all these mail-in voters are voting Democrat. If it weren’t for those fabricated mail-in votes this state would be an EASY win.”
However, the nation’s top epidemiologists are theorizing that most mail-in voters are Democrat because they wanted to avoid the maskless, pro-statue, MAGA-hat-wearing, assault-rifle-toting “vote watchers” at polling stations.
After I lied to Dump Jr. and told him our conversation was off the record, he admitted that “real Americans” is just a dog whistle for his bros in the Proud Boys.
While the Republicans continue to push the unfounded narrative that the election is being stolen, some people who voted for Eggy have come under fire from Democrats who believe they are throwing away their vote.
“I want to hate the President because they are a centrist puppet war criminal, not because they are a stupid, racist, incoherent, serial abuser and war criminal,” said Reese Igned, a Ryerson Campus resident who feels they have no choice but to vote for Biden. “If you voted for an independent candidate, just know you inadvertently voted for Trump and that you listen to too much Joe Rogan.”
However, Eglington the Ram, Eggy’s father, stands by his decision to vote for his son. “As an anarcho-communist, Eggy knows what’s best for all Americans,” said Eglington. “People are afraid of change, but if that change comes in the form of a heavily-armed, mascot-suit-wearing revolutionary, maybe they will be more receptive.”
Liquor stores in the state of Ryerson Campus have reported exceptionally high sales this election week, with some selling more in the past seven days than they did all summer. Local owner of The Beer Store John Molson said the rise in sales is due to exactly what you think.
“We’ve seen a lot of incredibly nervous Biden supporters coming in and buying 24’s of whatever’s on sale,” said Molson. “I really feel for them. The fact that this election is even close is sickening. That’s why I’m proud to announce I’m giving out one free tall can to all my anti-Trump comrades.”
Ryerson Campus governor Mohamed Lachemi said he was unable to comment on the results of votes cast so far.
“What in the absolute fuck are you going on about? State of Ryerson Campus election results?” said Lachemi. “We’re literally in Canada right now. You gotta cool it with the weed for a few weeks dude.”