Corporations wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day

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By Yousef Al Khodari

The Eyeopener had the privilege of sitting down with your favourite corporations and getting a special Valentine’s Day message from each of them to you. They really care! 


“We know you’ve been going off on Twitter about ‘buying local.’ Oh come on, isn’t this so much more convenient? We literally work our employees 24/7 to get you the best service possible. Give your old pal a chance. Be our valentine. Skip Etsy, please.”


“This Valentine’s Day, redeem our exclusive couples offer: buy one get one of our signature Big Macs free! Or just get two for yourself…that’s totally okay. Our cashiers won’t judge you at all for this, but we cannot guarantee your digestive system will be able to handle four of our patties.” 


“Got a new valentine this year? You know the drill: come to IKEA and see who loses it first. Ultimate relationship test. You’re welcome. If all goes well, end your trip with a delicious meatball dinner at our cafeteria paired with romantic mood lighting, courtesy of our affordable lighting range that no mere mortal can assemble.”


“Pssst…we know you’ve been pushing your Valentine’s Day gifts to the last minute. At Walmart, you can find many amazing gifts for the thoughtful gift-giver, like a raggedy teddy bear holding a heart that reads ‘Be Mine,’ or an expired box of Ferrero Rocher. The secret will stay between us. Uhm…excuse me? Did I hear Amazon say something? I’m everything you need. So pick me, choose me, love me.”


“You’ve been buying bulk all year for you and your…oh wait. No no no don’t cry, it’s okay. Come buy a set of 24 Kleenex boxes instead. We know you’ll need it for the Julia Roberts romantic comedy that you’ll watch alone tonight. And while you’re here, why not buy a 16-litre container of Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise?” 


“Happy Valentine’s Day! Purchase a new iPhone for your valentine, but don’t forget to buy them all of the essential accessories that aren’t included in the box. What’s that? You want a discount? BAHAHAHAHAHA!” 


“The new Volkswagen Atlas: an SUV you can buy now in the hopes that one day, you’ll get married and go on long, luxurious road trips to Buffalo, even though right now you can’t get a single match on Tinder. Das Auto, Das Single Life.”


“Well…looks like it’s just me and you again this year. Just Netflix and no chill for you, but don’t worry, we’ll fill that void. Now go grab some popcorn, settle down and start watching true crime documentaries for six hours. Just kidding, we know you’re really into Bridgerton right now.”

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