By Shannan Peck
What is your opinion of Ryerson University?
(a) It seemed pretty nice I think the three…four times I ever went to class?
(b) I’ve heard of it, but is it even real?
(c) It’d be awesome IF I COULD GO THERE IN PERSON!
(d) I really want to go back—I don’t have an attachment to the place, but I will end up on a Forensic Files episode if my roommate sings a happy pancake-making song at 6 a.m. one more time.
What do you miss most about pre-pandemic life?
(a) Being an introvert and not feeling like I’m missing out on something.
(b) What is this “pre-pandemic life” you speak of? It’s been 84 years…
(c) Leaving my house without writing an essay on why it is a necessary trip.
(d) Not living with my family and roommates.
What is the (comedically) worst thing about COVID-19?
(a) Listening to government officials say they’re disappointed in us. Who are you, my dad?
(b) Zoom classes! I knew lectures were boring, but WOW.
(c) The only coping mechanism I have left is making memes.
(d) One of my profs trying to hype us up for a “Zoom pub crawl” bonding activity where we drink in our own houses. Back in the day, we called that unhealthy coping mechanisms.
What pandemic-related thing do you want to keep when it’s over?
(a) Optional online Zoom classes. I beat three major bosses playing Sonic 3 in class and no one will ever know.
(c) Decent government funding for businesses and unemployed people as well as paid sick leave.
(d) Masks. I can scowl at people and no one will ever know.
What do you plan to do the minute you’re fully vaccinated?
(a) Buy some junk food so I can stay at home and enjoy it!
(b) Visit my friends and drink so much we wake up on a plane to Jakarta.
(c) Lick a TTC streetcar door just to feel alive again.
(d) Disappear off the face of the earth and return with two pet opossums seven years later.
Where do you want to go post-pandemic?
(a) Maybe a historic monument?
(b) Someplace I haven’t been in a long time.
(c) As long as I get to do something fun, the location doesn’t matter.
(d) Somewhere bloody quiet, that’s for sure!
Mostly As: Gamestop
Witness the marvel of the painfully average store that nerds across the world used to challenge Wall Street. As you walk through the aisles, remembering what it was like when you used to be a shut-in by choice, playing video games when you had time off because school, work and home were all seperate locations. Luck favours the bold; perhaps you’ll find the rare, mystical PS5 that’s only been shared in whispers and longing hearts.
Mostly Bs: Ryerson University
Your money kept this place afloat this year, but you’ve never seen it. Walk through the majestic halls of condo-style glass and condo-style architecture. Ponder your decisions as you stroll into the Eaton Centre, spotting the Ted Rogers School of Management next door to a Best Buy. See the reward for which you sacrificed a full tuition payment for the entire academic year, despite studying while covered in Dorito dust and depression.
Mostly Cs: Doug Ford’s house
You’re pissed and sometimes parts of the ’60s are worth reliving. Capture the boomer spirit by attending a protest/music festival on Doug Ford’s lawn. Enjoy Ontario’s premier screaming at you to get off his lawn as accompaniment for the warm summer day and glorious acoustic guitar. Bring your protest signs, make flower crowns out of weeds and get ready to enjoy being the young Ontarians who were always accused of disappointing the government.
Mostly Ds: A magical hidden library in the Algonquin Park forest
You yearn for peace and quiet and not having to tell your classmates they’re on mute for the 47th time today. After quarantine, venture into the Algonquin Park forest, get lost while canoeing and find a library. There won’t be anyone there but a single librarian who’ll warn that if you breathe too loudly, you’ll never find this place again. Heed their warning and you can spend hours enjoying the quiet that 2020 robbed from you.