Letter by Young Conservatives of Ontario
When protestors tore down and decapitated Egerton Ryerson’s statue on the Ryerson University campus, we furiously watched videos of it all happening on our phones from a safe distance. When its head turned up on a spike at 1492 Land Back Lane, we seethed with rage, nestled in our parents’ La-Z-Boy sectional sofas.
We didn’t intervene then. But by God, do we have a lot to say now.
As proud Canadians, we defend every aspect of our history, including the times we sought to eradicate other cultures. That’s what true patriotism is all about: the total uncritical embracement of all aspects of our heritage. Anyway, all Egerton wanted was for every kid to get an education. What kind of education? Well, we don’t see why that’s relevant. Do you know how many people around the world wish they could go to school? Ever heard of Malala? We haven’t. What’s her whole deal, anyway? Please send us an email if you know what she’s about. But we digress.
All Egerton wanted was for every kid to get an education. What kind of education? Well, we don’t see why that’s relevant.
Our beloved statue is no longer “Standing Strong,” but rather lying prone and headless. We remember Egerton’s gentle blue-green colouring, resembling Lady Liberty herself, with a needed blast of testosterone. We recall the soft curve of his coif, pushed back to reveal a stern yet benevolent expression. At sunset, golden rays would illuminate the grime ingrained in the ripples of his robe. His pert bow tie, his grizzled eyebrows. The scruff of his sideburns. He was beautiful. And now, he’s gone.
What’s next? Are we going to cancel Ryerson’s mascot, Eggy (Egerton) the Ram? We’d rather see Eggy dead than be renamed. Use our hashtag #EuthanizeEggy to get ahead of his cancellation. His crime: being named after an old white guy. You know who else is an old white guy? Santa Claus. And Sir Wilfrid Laurier. He brings joy to billions every Christmas. Santa, we mean, not Sir Wilfrid Laurier. Are we cancelling Santa now because he sneaks into childrens’ homes at night to leave them gifts? Next we’ll be closing down the North Pole workshop where Laurier’s elves work. Another small business wiped out by the poisonous liberal agenda. #SaveTheElves. #EuthanizeEggy.
Furthermore, these protestors chose the 77th anniversary of D-Day to commit this heinous act. How dare they? We would’ve even tolerated 12:01 a.m. on June 7, because that’s not D-Day anymore. That’s just a day. But these protestors weren’t thinking about the invasion of Normandy. And neither were we, until we realized the frightening parallels between our boys in blue on those Polish beaches and how we’ve been deserted on the frontlines of this culture war.
To our fellow conservatives: We resent your silence and we don’t understand it. Where are you, Erin O’Toole? Is there a reason why you’ve abandoned us young conservatives to face this battle alone? Is there? Even if there is, we don’t want to hear it. But is there? You disgust us. So, is there? Let us know, please.
If there were a statue of Malala in Yonge-Dundas square surrounded by three to five plaques, we bet we’d know all about her. But there isn’t. So we don’t.
And President Lachemi—how dare you refuse to replace the statue? If you must succumb to liberal whims, why not rebuild Egerton and add a plaque to contextualize the existing plaque? Or replace the current plaque with a larger plaque in all caps-lock text? Or change the cover of the book the statue holds into a third plaque? Or do a foldy-brochure thing, so you can open up the original plaque with two bendable metal flaps that have text engraved on their inside folds? But we suspect you just don’t care that much.
Finally: Give us the statue’s head. We’re not sure who this statement is aimed towards, but we certainly have strong feelings towards them, whoever they are. Our president has already decided to use the head as the centrepiece in his apartment’s giant fish tank. His minnows will swim in and out of the holes bored into the head’s cranium, and the red paint splatter perfectly matches his carpeting. A woke mob won’t derail our president’s home decor plans.
Trust us when we say this fight is the most important thing in our lives. We’ve dug ourselves into a position so deep it’s reminiscent of the trenches built by our heroic soldiers on the Normandy coast. In the style of trench warfare, we proudly say we’re not going anywhere. Especially not 1492 Land Back Lane.
In conclusion, if there were a statue of Malala in Yonge-Dundas square surrounded by three to five plaques, we bet we’d know all about her. But there isn’t. So we don’t. Our education system can’t handle any more liberal cuts or decapitations. Rebuild Egerton. Give us the head. #EuthanizeEggy.
If you’d like to share any information about Malala, please email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Provided to Rochelle Raveendran