By Clifton Cockburn
Ryerson University announced plans to erect a 12-storey tall “Mecha Egger-Man” statue on Gould Street at a press conference on Friday. The statue will replace the “lesser, shrimpier” one depicting Egerton Ryerson, which was recently defeated by protestors who were, for some peculiar reason, offended by the presence of a 20-foot mass-murderer situated at the centre of campus.
The new statue will incorporate an updated redesign of the colonizer’s appearance to include cyborg-like features and Iron-Man-esque abilities to defend against future protesters. Those who challenge the new sculpture may be blasted by an ultraviolet cancer-beam, clobbered by an iron fist or simply grumbled at to induce low self-esteem.
Furthermore, the statue will possess the ability to “trap its opponents in the phantom realm,” according to Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi, who went on to clarify it would be “just like what happened to General Zod at the end of Superman II.”
The statue will also come equipped with over 50 hilarious comebacks and catchphrases like ‘Colonize THIS!’ and ‘You’re my Favourite Deputy!’
The statue will also come equipped with over 50 hilarious comebacks and catchphrases like ‘Colonize THIS!’ and ‘You’re my Favourite Deputy!’ to those who try to defy its authority. Brie Larson is slated to provide her voice talents for this role.
At the conference, university spokesperson Sly Sludge said the university’s official position on the removal of the previous statue is that it must have been a “mistake,” as “Eggington [sic] was actually a pretty chill guy who liked drinking beer just as much as the rest of us.”
Another university representative, Bethany Memph, has made it clear that “the first kid to walk past the new monument will be pummeled unnecessarily, then vaporized on sight. What’s left of them will not be cleaned up to send a message: We the innocent will not succumb to bullies!”
This comment was met with a two-hour standing ovation from the audience, which consisted entirely of members from a campus conservative group that claims to be highly oppressed and under constant attack from political opponents possessing “victim complexes.”
“I will blow a fucking gasket if this means Gould Street will undergo more construction for even just one more day”
One member of the group, Bill Werthing, remarked his feelings were hurt when the statue of their favourite mass-murderer fell. He kindly offered to take care of it and breastfeed it back to health as though it were his own son. “For it’s the white—I mean right—thing to do.”
Another member, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, remarked he often fantasizes about the colonizer taking him fishing and playing baseball with him on his days-off from designing death camps. “Just like my paps,” he explained, teary-eyed and looking off into the distance.
Not all are pleased by the plans for the new statue. To counter the university’s proposed doomsday-grade monument, members of the campus Civil Rights Collective announced plans the following day to build an 18-and-a-half-storey structure of horror icon and TikTok sensation Lady Dimitrescu, a nine-foot vampire woman who first appeared in “some video game or something,” according to a member.
Lady Dimitrescu will come equipped with even more awesome powers and catchy quips, and will stand opposite the Mecha Egger-man statue, constantly threatening him with her superior strength and demeanor.
Kelebogile Zaharinka, a member of the Civil Rights Collective, informed The Eyeopener they surprisingly found her blueprints in one of Ryerson’s classic inconveniently shaped trash cans located directly outside of Lachemi’s office.
Lady Dimitrescu will also serve as a reminder that there are much better options for both statues and role models in the world.
Both Ryerson and the Civil Rights Collective have been speedy in the implementation of their sculptures; Ryerson has already assembled 312 task forces to evaluate “the sitch” on the Mecha Egger-Man statue, leaving an approximate 12 years before construction will begin, while Lady Dimitrescu will be erected in full next Monday.
Support for a Lady Dimitrescu statue has been overwhelming, as all of sane mind and reason agree the cooler statue will thwart the colonizer within minutes of their inevitable and epic showdown between good and evil, set to happen over a decade from now.
However, only one naysayer seems to be perturbed by this inevitability; a disgruntled eighth-yearer who said, “I will blow a fucking gasket if this means Gould Street will undergo construction for even just one more day.”