By Nicholas Cannito
Canadians across the political spectrum left polling stations dissatisfied following the snap federal election on Monday. After waiting in hour-long lines for a virtually identical parliament, some political commentators say the country has been left even more divided than before.
One man wants to change this. One man wants to walk a different path; to unite Canadians in their darkest hour. To do that, he’s going to take your heart and “Get Into It (Yuh).”
Aspiring content creator and New Democratic Party (NDP) Leader Jagmeet Singh announced his latest attempt in a long line of pandering to the one demographic that regularly doesn’t show up to vote in a press conference on Thursday.
“Berries and cream, berries and cream, my New Democrats all love berries and cream!” Singh sang as he excitedly slapped his hands to his ankles. The NDP leader’s grand plan: a viral TikTok dance set to a remix of his prime ministerial concession speech.
“Friends, I want you to know that we’re going to keep on fighting to make sure the super wealthy pay their fair share. I also want you to shake that laffy taffy girl, bring it back then drop it girl,” Singh declared, while throwing it back and staring directly into the lens of the camera.
Journalists were unclear as to who exactly the girl in question referred to, while a flustered intern by the name of Ahn Zubbs-Krybe only offered: “He means Trudeau.”
“I want you to know that we’re going to keep on fighting to make sure the super wealthy pay their fair share. I also want you to shake that laffy taffy girl”
Although the dance is yet to be published on Singh’s TikTok page, a whistleblower who requested to remain anonymous provided The Eyeopener with an exclusive clip of the routine. Almost an hour long, it requires multiple dancers to perform six different parts. In one section, Singh speaks in auto-tune over Olivia Rodrigo’s “Good 4 U.”
“And I also want to thank Canadians for voting,” Singh speak-sings in the clip. “And I want to let Canadians know that together, forever, we’re Linda and Heather! Best friends!” For the duet portion of the dance, he called upon Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath to grab him by the hands, spin him around and finish in a heart formation. Sources on the scene report she was promptly removed from the premises afterwards due to concerns of her not being able to hit the woah.
Singh’s wife, Gurkiran Kaur Sidhu, said she was impressed by her husband’s relentless and continuing campaigning efforts. “Smooth talkin,’ soul rockin,’ he’s got everything that a girl’s wantin.’” She refused to elaborate further on this position.
The NDP leader’s historic announcement comes amidst rumours of other party leaders developing similar tactics. Maxime Bernier has reportedly been in talks with 4chan to release a mobile app called Bigotry-2-Go, intended to expedite his spread of ignorance.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s team briefly considered partnering with Twitter for #Truedeau, an initiative combatting vaccine misinformation. However, the prime minister backed down after his official account’s mentions tab was flooded with GIFs from Aladdin.
As for Erin O’Toole, the Conservative leader is poised to announce a collaboration with Skype. His spokesperson Corbin Taxe explained: “O’Toole and Skype have a lot in common; they’re both old, blue and nobody’s first choice anymore.”
After giving a short preview of the routine’s pelvic-thrusting finale, Singh ended the conference with a firm declaration that, “New Democrats will fight to take care of all Canadians so that together, we can score a devious lick on some seats in the Hype House of Commons and no longer be in fourth place!”
He was met with rousing applause by his team, who all strategically voted Liberal.