The real winners and losers of this year’s federal election

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By Charles Simard

It’s finally over. After weeks of deliberating, thousands of Canadians can breathe a sigh of relief as their days of pretending to know about politics have come to an end. With another Liberal minority government for Justin Trudeau in the cards, let’s take a look at the other, less obvious winners and losers of this year’s snap election. 

WINNERS 

People who use the phrase “the lesser of two evils” 

Thanks to a new slogan dubbed “We’re no worse than anybody else,” the Liberal Party awoke to another victory in the polls. As the country resigns itself with begrudging acceptance to another Liberal term in office, Trudeau’s win is undoubtedly a success for people who enjoy describing a choice as being the lesser of two evils—whether it’s Coke versus Pepsi or crippling debt and poverty.

While Trudeau’s party prepares to pretend to try and fix our country’s problems, it’s clear that, no matter what, his next 18 months in office will be filled with unfulfilled promises to do the bare minimum and thinly-veiled comments that at least he’s not “one of the other guys.” 

Vandalized campaign posters 

Just as the New Democratic Party (NDP) and the People’s Party of Canada (PPC) gained wider recognition from the public, voters also saw an explosion in the burgeoning election poster vandalization industry. This unique extension to thriving underground art scenes in Canadian cities via scribbling racist memes on candidates’ faces was widely condemned.

Although this new art form struggled to gain respect from the public, social media support in the form of several Twitter shares turned graffitied campaign posters into an opportunity to galvanize one’s supporter base. Who knew racism could be so unifying—talk about making lemons from lemonade!

LOSERS

The planet 

Last Monday, an unprecedented number of voters turned up to the polls and were surprised to find that the Green Party still exists. The party’s performance, coming in at a distant fifth place, doesn’t bode well for the Earth or human existence.

It wasn’t a total loss, however; Annamie Paul, who lost her riding of Toronto Centre and ultimately stepped down as leader, gave a speech praising the party, awarding it a nice little participation trophy whilst drawing murmurs of “Oh yeah, that one” from voters and journalists alike. Regardless, one thing for certain is that tote-bag users who pretend to care about environmentalism in front of their friends are having a rough time. 

The colour purple 

The PPC drew new attention thanks to leader Maxime Bernier’s upbeat COVID-19 policy of “Just go with it.” Despite the party’s inability to gain a single seat, Canadians seeing glimpses of purple PPC election signs scattered around their neighbourhood are surely glad to know which houses to avoid when trick-or-treating this month.

Although the colour purple has likely been permanently ruined forever, the PPC appears as relentless as they were in their campaign; party officials were confident in their belief that Trudeau’s victory speech was a remarkably impressive CGI animation, or an outtake from a Saturday Night Live sketch. Bernier himself seems poised to run again, with a pandemic expert recruited fresh off the University of Google.

People who don’t vote strategically

The NDP suffered a serious loss this election, forcing a new wave of voters who don’t vote strategically to learn to cope with disappointment. Coming in at fourth place, the party’s performance is a definite surprise to the hundreds of idealistic voters who pride themselves on being “independent” and “away from the mainstream.”

But really, who’s stupid enough to vote for the platform they actually care about? Regardless, party leader Jagmeet Singh’s intention to hold onto his position does make it possible that the NDP could end up winning next time. Right? 

Erin O’Toole 

No one feels the negative effects of this election more than Conservative Party leader Erin O’Toole, who’s still rumoured to be deciphering what an “election” actually is. Despite his inability to establish a concrete position on any noteworthy issue, his campaign managers have stated that he’s willing to compromise on the position of assistant prime minister.

With the Conservative Party’s new post-election slogan of “Act Like Nothing’s Changed,” no one is quite sure how to move forward. When asked for comment by The Eyeopener, O’Toole looked down at his watch, remarked on the time and quickly shambled away into a nearby alley. He was not wearing a watch at the time.

Canadians 

One thing is for certain: no matter who you voted for, the real biggest loser is Canada. With this snap election costing an estimated $600 million, Canadian politics is soon to become the next WWE, with similar amounts of funding and dissatisfaction. The best any of us can do is grab a bucket of popcorn, plop onto our couches and hope the rest of us aren’t thrown into the ring.

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