Ford limiting restaurant capacity because he doesn’t have friends to dine with

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By Lauren Battagello 

After receiving major backlash from restaurant owners and patrons for continuing to enforce indoor dining capacity limits, reasoning for Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s decision has finally been revealed. 

A copy of Ford’s personal diary, submitted to The Eyeopener by a member of his senior staff who wished to remain anonymous in fear of retribution, shows Ford lamenting the fact that he has no friends to eat at restaurants with. It seems the premier’s pen is mightier than his public health measures. 

“Every morning I look in the mirror and wonder why none of these fine Ontarian folk want to dine out with me, and I am sad,” an excerpt from Ford’s diary entry, dated Oct. 13, 2021, reads. “Now, if I can’t have it, no one can. Not even the hardworking restaurant owners that I’ve already slighted over the course of the entire pandemic.”

Later in the entry, Ford goes on to express his fear of the public, after a CTV News report was published on Oct. 12 detailing the anger toward him shared amongst many restaurant owners.  

“The restaurant owners said that there was going to be ‘civil disobedience’ if I didn’t make changes,” he wrote. “Is someone gonna yell at me again at my next press conference???” 

“At least they have friends to be mad with together =(” 

“Every morning I look in the mirror and wonder why none of these fine Ontarian folk want to dine out with me”

The previously mentioned staff member also provided The Eye with photocopies of other entries from Ford’s journal written throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Among them was his list of nicknames for lockdowns, including “government-mandated-me-time” and “political staycation.” He had also apparently sketched a draft of what a proof of vaccination QR code could look like, in the shape of one of his famous cherry cheesecakes. 

Also seen in the documents was Ford’s ‘personal master list’ of things to do during press conferences when he gets nervous. The first four pointers on this list are included below: 

  1. Refer to the audience as ‘my friends’ and then pause so they all know how much I deeply care for them 
  2. Say ‘folks’ as much as possible  
  3. Remind them how much I really don’t want to do whatever it is I’m doing, but that it’s their fault I’m doing it 
  4. When not speaking, stand off to the side and stare into the cameras to assert dominance 

Despite his list of press conference tips, Ford has not been putting them in action lately, as he has been noticeably absent from the public eye in recent days. However, a deeper analysis of the tear-stained diary reveals the premier is living in fear of his own people. 

Ford is often on the receiving end of heavy public backlash, especially seen in the comment sections of 6ixBuzz Instagram posts about him. It was revealed in the diary documents, however, that Ford has a burner Instagram account which he uses to defend himself online: @400lbsgorilla64, along with his password written down so he wouldn’t forget it: kingofqueenzpark.

While the diary entries didn’t clarify what Ford’s next pandemic plan is, one thing is definitely clear: the premier is taking his own advice and restez-ing à la his maison to avoid being seen in the public eye until he can come up with a new way to “contribute” to businesses in Ontario. 

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