Rye admin considering 15 questions before deciding on in-person winter semester

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By Rochelle Raveendran 

As Ryerson students wait with bated breath for an update on the winter semester, The Eyeopener has obtained minutes from a meeting held by the university’s administration on Monday. The document lists 15 questions under consideration as the university determines whether students will return to campus in the coming months. The questions are presented unedited below in their entirety. 

  • What’s the University of Toronto’s plan? 
  • What’s York University’s plan? 
  • What’s the Toronto Academy for Canine Education’s plan? 
  • What’s Dufferin Grove Park’s Nudist Colony & Weekend Day School’s plan? 
  • Is the Ontario government providing any guidance on this matter? 
    • Who are we rooting for in the upcoming provincial election? → based on collated campaign donations by the president/chancellor/provosts/vice-provosts?
      • If the majority is pro-Ford: Can we continue hiding behind “guidance”? 
      • If the majority is anti-Ford: Can we continue hiding behind “lack of guidance”? 
  • What’s the University of Toronto’s plan? 
  • How many international $tudent$ have paid their tuition in full yet? 
  • Ways to kill time so we can avoid making an announcement until the deadline to receive a full tuition refund passes? 
    • Continue posting biweekly snowy scenic images of Yonge-Dundas Square on our social media accounts
      • Source photos from Flickr Creative Commons, Unsplash or search #toronto on Instagram
    • Keep tweeting at successful alumni—maybe they’ll reply one day? 
    • Short and snappy “Stay strong” mass email from president Mohamed Lachemi 
  • How many students and staff can we afford to lose to hospitalization and/or death whilst still maintaining our economic health? 
  • Could we get sued for ageism by forcing elderly at-risk professors to return to campus this semester? 
    • Would it be worth it for the maintenance of our economic health? Can we crunch the numbers on a potential class-action lawsuit? @generallegalcounsel@ryerson.ca
  • Has the Ryerson Students’ Union been plotting a secret student uprising against online learning tuition fees under the guise of holding pointless events for the past year?
    • Was the virtual baking night making chocolate chip cookies actually a cover for a war-council-esque meeting in which students plotted the nitty-gritty details of their revolution? 
    • Was the evening spent at Canada’s Wonderland Halloween Haunt a diversion for the true haunt happening under our noses: a student insurrection? 
  • If Lachemi grew Karl Marx-esque facial hair, could this red herring temporarily quell the potential student uprising? 
  • Is there one solitary droplet of PR value left in plugging our story about our community vaccination clinic that closed last July, or have we milked that cow bone dry? 
    • Possible TikTok opportunity? Set to Shots by LMFAO ft. Lil Jon???
  •  Do people care about the Student Learning Centre (SLC) enough to get the booster shot so they can go into the SLC? 
    • How do we get people to care more about the SLC? 
  • If we return: How can we create a new back-to-school marketing campaign based on the RyersonSafe app? 
    • Slogan ideas: 
      • “You make RyersonSafe” 
      • “Ryerson(is)Safe”
      • “RyersonSafe? Always.”
    • Media ideas 
      • Footage of students sitting on a bench inside the George Vari Engineering building, all wearing N-95s, but you can tell they’re smiling because their eyes are really crinkly 
      • Footage of a professor giving an emphatic lecture next to a chalkboard wearing an N-95, but you can tell it’s emphatic because she’s nodding vigorously and gesticulating widely
      • Footage of Lachemi shovelling snow on Gould Street with Premier Ford before they both turn to the camera and give a gloved “thumbs-up”

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