Why your sign didn’t have a ‘Hot Girl Summer’

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By Rebecca Morrison

With the weather dipping under 20 C, it’s time to unpack why several (all) the astrological signs were unable to enjoy their summer to the fullest. Or, more importantly, why the global phenomena known as a ‘Hot Girl Summer’ turned into a Hot Girl Bummer.


You couldn’t decide between brawling with or obsessing over anyone who was mildly exciting and as a result, you didn’t see anyone at all. You also refused to give a second chance to anyone that glanced at you in even a slightly passive-aggressive way. You spent the entire break conversing with your furry companions instead.


You refused to abandon the comfort of your 1000-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. You also spent every dime available on Godiva chocolates, artisan red wine and face masks shipped directly from South Korea. The only time you spent in natural sunlight was inside a 100 per cent pure cashmere housecoat for less than an hour daily.


Managing both of your personalities took up your entire summer schedule, leaving no time for actual fun activities. You tried to make sure that any parties you attended featured esteemed social-ladder-climbing guests. There were too many parties to remember and attend, so you ended up not going to a single one.


You were too busy baking treats for family & friends or giving serious relationship advice to anyone willing to listen. The times you did step outside were for those 3 a.m. Mcdonald’s runs with your high school besties. Even then, you became the designated human hair clip and barf cleaner after they hurled their entire Happy Meal.


You spent the entire summer in front of the mirror (slay). The humidity turned your hair into a frizzy mess resembling a lion’s mane. You also realized there are no group projects to dominate over the summer, so you opted to stay indoors and rehearse your alpha skills for next year. Not even mercury can take away your alpha status.


You couldn’t stop rearranging bedroom furniture or colour coordinating closets long enough to check the weather. Once you realized that your newly-enhanced closet wasn’t going to solve the chaos in your personal life,  you took a two-month mental health hiatus.


You were way too exhausted from trying to please everyone you crossed paths with that you didn’t attempt to make plans. The one time where, by chance, you found an ounce of energy to be spontaneous, you couldn’t manage to make a definitive decision on a plan and took a nap.


You spent the entire summer waiting for Halloween because you find joy in terrifying all of your loved ones with pranks. You also couldn’t go outside because you decided to only wear black as a fashion choice and obviously it was way too hot for all-black ensembles under that scorching sun.


You decided to flake on every single plan & snoozed all the alarms you made for the first two weeks of summer. Then, you spontaneously decided to quit your job and jet off on a luxurious vacation to a foreign country for the rest of the summer. 


You picked up the slack at work because your Sagittarius co-worker quit after only working two days. While working all the overtime and kissing any chance of a social life goodbye, your spare moments were spent counting the heaps of money you made.


Whilst everyone else was having what you thought was a hot girl summer, you were simply different. You decided it was a good idea to DIY split-dye your hair hot pink and green, which is also why you didn’t go out in public for three weeks.


You refused to ignore the glaring red flags at the beginning of your summer fling and spent the remainder of the season nursing a broken heart. When deciding between eating takeout while re-watching the Lord of The Rings trilogy and going out clubbing, Orlando Bloom’s blonde locks won every time.

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