By Tristan Forde
Disclaimer: This is a SATIRE recap, any correlation or similarities to any real people are purely coincidental.
The Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) Bold men’s volleyball team dominated the Whenton Horned Owls with a 3-0 sweep in Matthews’ Actual Church (MAC).
The game kicked off with the Horned Owls on serve. Right off the first serve, the Bold took control of the energy in the gym with a quick kill from eighth-year middle Arthur Pendragon, as he flew through the air and plunged his sword down.
“Pendragon is one of our best hitters, he’s been a part of the program for like seven or eight years now,” said third-year hitter Simon Rooky. “It’s safe to say he might be the one true king.”
The Horned Owls picked up their game and first-year setter Michael Christian utilized the left-handed second-year right side Rowan Blanshirt. Just like an advanced physics midterm exam, the Bold couldn’t find an answer.
As the Horned Owls were fast approaching the Bold’s tail feathers—and two points away from tying up the game—Rooky made the decision to sub in second-year outside hitter Charlie Jones. The Australian student is known to support the Bold’s backline well.
“G’day mate, me an’ the crew had a ripper start to the day. We kicked the footy around while the snag sizzled on the barbie,” said Jones. “But fair dinkum, playin’ against this mob was a walk in the park compared to throwin’ down with roos back home.”
“It’s safe to say he might be the one true king”
Immediately thrust into action, Jones sent a miracle pass to fourth-year setter Aaron Prazzle who fired the ball out to Pendragon as he swung Excalibur straight into the ground.
From then on, the Bold looked back as the Horned Owls started losing altitude. The Bold carried their flow to win the first set 25-19.
Both avians took off flying in the second set. Christian gifted the horned owls a few well-placed setter dumps and they took an early six-point lead.
“Playin’ against this mob was a walk in the park compared to throwin’ down with roos back home”
To put a stop to their run, Prazzle showed fifth-year outside hitter Michael Sky-Flyer a pretzel motion with his hands. Understanding the signal, Sky-Flyer ran up and swung at the ball, scoring for the Bold once again.
“Our pretzel run is something we’ve been working on for quite some time, [assistant coach Raiden Hare] gave us the brilliant idea when we were at a pretzel shop,” said Prazzle.
Having spent the majority of their time on the Bold together, Sky-Flyer and Prazzle formed a strong connection the Horned Owls could not keep up with. Every time the duo ran a “pretzel run,” a group of fans in the crowd could be seen holding up a large pretzel sign.
“Our pretzel run is something we’ve been working on for quite some time”
Both avifauna held each other at the neck as the game tied up at 15-15. A two-minute long back-to-back rally initiated where the Bold came out on top.
“Honestly the Horned Owls, they’re a good, great team. But we just took it this time you know,” said Sky-Flyer. “It’s all thanks to Prazzle, you know we just pass it, he sets it, and we hit it.”
The Bold took the second set 25-23. Pendragon started the third set at the service line—silencing the crowd. Many fans in the crowd called it the “Excalibur Effect.”
Much like Michael Bublé, the Bold were ‘Feeling Good,’ and subbed in fourth-year outside hitter Ken Weezel, well known for his powerful jump serve. However, the Horned Owls’ second-year libero Petite Fille proved why he is a national-level libero.
“It’s all thanks to Prazzle, you know we just pass it, he sets it and we hit it”
“[Fille] is like 5-foot-1, can we even consider that a man?” said Weezel. “He might be good, but he doesn’t have an army of fangirls stalking his Instagram to find out if he’s single, so who really won here?”
Fille became the traitorous knight to Pendragon’s Camelot, constantly butting heads and denying them points. A quick set from Prazzle to Sky-Flyer had him free on an open net but Fille managed to scoop the hit up into the air. Christian retaliated by feeding the ball to graduate student middle Jeremy Goliath, as he put a massive crater in the floor.
“That’s like the sixth hole we’ve had to fix this year,” said the Bold’s resident handyman, Bob LeBuildher. “I love our boys, but they gotta lowkey chill out sometimes, y’know?”
The Bold retreated to their nest during a timeout to regroup, preen their feathers and recollect their plans before moving onwards.
Second-year middle Night Easton was called on to turn things around. Easton showed himself to be the only one who could send Blanshirt south by building a wall and locking him out.
The Bold carried this rhythm all the way to the finish line. With Pendragon’s mighty Excalibur, they clipped the Horned Owls’ wings, and Bold fans indulged in roasted bird for dinner that night.
“That’s like the sixth hole we’ve had to fix this year”
“Wait what is The Eyeopener, do people actually read those recaps?” asked Sky-Flyer. “Y’all do a recap after every game? Damn. That’s tough bro, someone should tell those sports editors to take it easy.”
UP NEXT: The Bold take on former league champions the Munching Meowsters in a litter box near you. First serve flies at 3:65 p.m. PLEASE READ THE RECAPS, TWO OTHERS AND I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN THE EYE OFFICE SINCE SEPTEMBER AND WE’VE BEEN FORCED TO WRITE RECAPS EVERY WEEKEND. PLEASE SEND HELP!
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