Brought to you by The Capitol Eye
Disclaimer: This recap is as real as the rebellion, if you believe any of it, you should send a rose to President Lachemi.
The 58th annual Eye Games have now officially concluded, with our gracious victor crowned and many editors to be remembered for their contributions to the masthead in the past year, including Joshua Chang.
Before the games began, two valiant souls stepped up for their districts. Daniel Opasinis volunteered as Con-tribute in this year’s reaping, in place of Lillie Coussée from the News District, moments before Saif-Ullah Khan stepped forward to take Sammy Kogan’s place from the Photography District.
Once the Con-tributes were lifted via mechanical thingamajigs from the bowels of Kerr Hall Quad, the countdown began in blood. Teresa Valenton of the Arts District was the first Con-tribute eliminated after stepping off her launch pad prematurely, causing an immediate detonation and launching her above Kerr Hall.
Anthony Lippa-Hardy, a seasoned career tribute from the Biz and Tech District, appeared calm and calculated as he swiftly claimed the first kill, taking down the Digital District’s Lily Han as all Con-tributes rushed towards the cornucopia.
Chang, the sole Con-tribute of the Chief District quickly escaped the gruesome battlefield, running down Gould Street.
As chaos ensued at the cornucopia, the Sports District’s Con-tributes Mitchell Fox and Daniel Carrero swiftly shut down any hope of survival for the Photo District’s Khan, Khadijah Ghauri and Nageen Riaz. Armed with neon-coloured hockey sticks and bats, they hit home runs off the Photo Con-tributes’ heads.
Their precision assault sent the rest of Con-tributes scampering across the campus. As the News District candidates, Opasinis, Jasmine Makar and Jerry Zhang were lured from the battlefield by the sound of fire truck sirens, Makar stumbled upon a camouflaged Fun District Sarah Grishpul disguised as a TMU chair. The two teamed up when they heard the steps of the Production District’s John Vo and Grace Henkel.
Armed with bows and arrows, Makar and Grishpul struck down the production alliance in one sweep, taking off in separate directions to divide and conquer the rest of the Con-tributors.
After diving into Lake Devo, Chang accidentally encountered a reef full of shellfish, breaking out into a deadly allergic reaction. Approaching his final moments, he was saved by the bell when an airdrop—sponsored by former Chief District champion Negin Khodayari—landed in his lap, containing a singular epinephrine auto-injector.
Meanwhile, Opasinis’s early self-sacrifice had turned into a lethal force. He was confirmed to have killed Communities District Con-tribute Khushy Vashisht— in a skirmish captured by Capitol camera operatives Divine Amayo and Lucas Bustinski—by unapologetically hitting her with a broken office chair so hard that he sent Vashisht flying west.
Lippa-Hardy, who was considered an unsinkable ship among the Con-tributes, was brought down by Zhang during a brutal fight near the Ted Rogers School of Management building. Armed with his signature skateboard, Lippa-Hardy met an ironic end as Zhang shattered the board mid-fight and drove its splintered edge through the Con-tribute. Even though the death was captured in 5K by Lippa-Hardy’s GoPro, Amayo and Bustinski aired it in 1080p.
Reacting to the loss of Vashisht, the Sports District prepared a revenge campaign against the news Con-tributes, retreating to the Mattamy Athletic Centre. Sources within the Capitol confirm the duo walked out of campus bounds and were met with an electric finish.
Chang and the Features District nominee Nalyn Tindall were looking for resources in the George Vari Engineering and Computing Centre, when a swarm of tracker jackers fell on Tindall, enveloping her in stings and chasing Chang out into the street.
Watching the actions of the news alliance closely, Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union (TMSU) gamemakers sent their street dogs to end the team’s run of success. Makar, Zhang and Opasinis were subsequently chewed up and spit out in front of the Student Campus Centre televisions.
As the last Con-tributes standing, Chang and Grishpul decided on a truce between former Fun District representatives, agreeing to eat a handful of berries in an act of rebellion against the gamemakers. In a shocking turn of events, Grishpul fell to the floor with life-threatening “tummy troubles”, while Chang stumbled away surprised that he was the last one standing.
While walking through Kerr Hall Quad, where the twisted game all started, Chang spotted Sherwin Karimpoor of the forgotten Circulation District. Gripping a cart stacked with this year’s “Knock knock” issue, Karimpoor sent the buggy hurdling in Chang’s direction, crushing him under the weight of traumatic events.
Chang’s time in the game was completely, totally and finally over.
“Honestly I didn’t even know what was going on,” Karimpoor explained in a post-game interview with the Capitol Eye. “I lost grip of the cart and he was in the way LOL!”
Sherwin Karimpoor of the Circulation District was officially designated the 58th victor of the Eye Games. Let us all thank our gracious TMSU, and may the odds be ever in your paper.
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