By Dylan Marks
Disclaimer: Much like my grandmother ‘falling down the stairs’ every few weeks, I made these confessions up for attention.
Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) is filled with some weird and wacky wonks that do all sorts of silly things in their spare time—we all know this. But if you think the stuff people at TMU say and do in public are ridiculous, just wait till you read what some of these students have admitted to online. We’ve gone to great lengths to dig up the truth from the cracks and crevices of the internet. And in the interest of transparency, we’d like to share them with you.
Confession #1 – First-year civil engineering student
I CAN’T STOP TAKING TAMPONS FROM THE DAPHNE COCKWELL COMPLEX 8TH FLOOR FRONT DESK
“I don’t even need tampons, I have a big ole wang. It started out as just taking them for the sake of taking them, but then I couldn’t stop. It’s like realizing how easily you can get away with stealing from the elderly—it’s an intense rush. Now I have a stockpile of tampons in my dorm and all my friends call me Timpon (my name is Tim).”
Confession #2 – Third-year nursing student
I DON’T KNOW WHAT A GPA IS
“Everyone I know in school is always talking about how good their GPAs are and I have absolutely zero clue what they’re on about. Is it some sort of state of knowledge? Do I put it inside of me to increase the fluidity of my motion while attempting to lock in?”
Confession #3 – Fourth-year political science student
I LEAKED WHITE HOUSE SECRETS TO A JOURNALIST AT THE ATLANTIC
“Yeah, that was me, my bad.”
Confession #4 – Second-year environment and urban sustainability student
I THOUGHT PERFORMING AN ORAL EXAM MEANT I HAD TO GIVE A BLOWJOB
“I’m worried I might get in trouble for trying to go down on my 82-year-old psychology professor during my oral exam. I thought oral meant working a pole like a Los Angeles firefighter but I guess we’re just not a proper country anymore.”
Confession #5 – Fourth-year English student
I’M IN LOVE WITH THE EYEOPENER’S BIZ AND TECH EDITOR
“I’ve contributed to The Eyeopener a few times and every time I go into the office and I see the business and technology editor, I get astronomically aroused. Is he single, and if not, how can I make him mine???”
Confession #6 – Second-year child and youth care student
I HOOKED UP WITH FRANKIE THE FALCON
“I don’t even mean I hooked up with the guy in the suit, I just found the Frankie outfit in some storage closet in the kerr hall basement. I’m not even sure there was anyone in the suit, but I think we made it to third base—there was some crazy beak action.”
Confession #7 – Fourth-year mathematics student
I CAN’T FIND THE CLITORIS
“Where is it???????”
Confession #8 – First-year midwifery student
I’VE BEEN UNKNOWINGLY CATFISHING MOHAMED LACHEMI
“I have a burner Hinge account where I catfish men who are considered too old to wear speedos but will do it anyway. For the past three months, I’ve unknowingly been catfishing TMU president and vice-chancellor Mohamed Lachemi.”
Confession #9 – Third-year journalism student
TMU CHAIRS STOLE MY IDEA
“Everyone I tell this to calls me crazy but I posted a video with the exact idea of reviewing chairs on campus and TMU Chairs stole it. I’m not crazy, I’m not.”
Confession #10 – First-year public health student
THE SHRIMP FRIED RICE FROM PITMAN HALL GAVE ME ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
“I always eat the food in Pitman Hall, and I have come to peace with the constant stomach pain and explosive bowel voiding that tends to follow. However, after downing some shrimp fried rice the other day, I can no longer pitch a tent in the woods, if you know what I mean. I can’t be an upstanding citizen. I can bring my horse to water but can’t make it drink—the metaphors could go on and on. I’m going to keep eating the shrimp fried rice though.”
Stay classy, TMU and please keep some things to yourself.
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