As I sit down in front of the glowing golden glass of beer, a single tear forms in my eye. I reminisce of a life spent training for The Eyeopener Drink Olympics. I remember my father handing me a beer when I was five and saying, “Drink up son, one day you’ll do Ireland proud.” I recall the nice waitress who never carded me at my favourite hometown bar. I remember these events and think to myself, “I want the beer, the beer wants me… let’s get it on.” -Sean Fitz-Gerald, captain of Team Ireland
GOLD SILVER BRONZE
Ireland 3 0 0
RyeSAC 1 2 1
Britain 1 1 1
Ryersonian 1 0 1
Italy 0 1 1
China 0 0 1
By Owen Ferguson and Graeme Smith
11 p.m.: Opening ceremonies
The fourth annual Eyeopener Drinking Olympics opened with a bang — the bang of shot glasses being slammed against the bar. The opening ceremonies are held in The Steamer, a depressing little hole in Neill-Wycik’s basement. The ceremonies consist of delegates from six countries and organizations — Italy, Britain, Ireland, China, RyeSAC and The Ryersonian — downing a shot of Sambuca and reciting the Olmpic motto — Drunker, Faster, Longer. Eager competitors looks on as the eternal flaming Sambuca was lit, mentally preparing themselves for the night of hard-core boozing ahead.
Event one: The beer sprint
With the opening ceremonies duly completed, the teams proceed to the first competition — the beer sprint. Just before the event began, it is discovered that Team Ireland’s Kevin O’Chany isn’t really Irish. O’Chany, or Chan, as it is written in underwear, is kicked off Team Ireland but allowed to continue competing as the sole member of Team China, his ancestral homeland. “I can still take you guys,” boasts Chan, already woozy from the single ceremonial shot.
In the beer sprint, competitors chug a pint as fast as they can. Team Ireland’s Sean Fitz-Gerald proves most adept at this, throwing one back in 5.3 second without spilling a drop. Though his time is more than three-lengths of a second a better than second place Angelo DeLuca, (RyeSAC rep and president), who spills half his beer on his shirt, Fitz-Gerald fails to bear the world record time of 5 seconds, set by Canada at the last Olympics.
Event two: The sour puss
After his stunning performance in the beer sprint, Fitz-Gerald (Ireland) is heavily favoured in this event. The judge, Shane Dingman from Ireland, mixes a devilish shot of unknown liquors which competitors must swallow while keeping a straight face. But Fitz-Gerald isn’t able to quell the strong performances by Gord Tanner (RyeSAC) and Maureen Rice (Britain), as the three share the gold medal. Tanner (RyeSAC) awes spectators with his zombie-like trance. “Gord, it’s over…Stop fuckin’ breathing on me now,” says Rice (Britain), who is both intrigued and repulsed by the pungent odour.
Event three: The luge
Tanner (RyeSAC) took a breather from the luge and is replaced by John “nice guy” McGowan (RyeSAC). Along with the competitors from Italy, Britain, China and Ireland, McGowan has to suck back as much beer as he can in two minutes using a straw. He downs three pints, but falls short of powerhouse Fitz-Gerald’s (Ireland) performance, who claims his third consecutive gold, drinking four-and-a-half pints. Team Italy’s Renata D’Aliesio manages to take the bronze, sputtering down only one and a half glasses. But D’Aliesio remains defiant, screaming with fists pumping in the air: “If this were an endurance race, those bastards would be under the table, dammit.”
Event four: Drunker twister
Next up is the event fans are all waiting for — drunken twister. The rules are simple — anyone who falls while playing Twister has to take a shot to stay in or be forced to forfeit the match. Despite the deadening chanting of “Tema Italia” from the crowd, Lori Fazari (Italy) is ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, after she sabotages McGowan’s (RyeSAC) performance by attacking him below the waist. Team Ryersonian’s Josh Brown picks up the gold, somehow managing not to fall, despite the stench drifting from Owen Ferguson’s (Ireland) socks. Graeme Smith wins silver for Team Britain, and bronze is shared by Team China and Team RyeSAC. Allegations that Brown (Ryersonian) used performance enhancing alcohol before the event are made by several competitors. Brown had arrived at the Games well hammered from an unknown substance, but the judge says no banned substances are found in present Brown’s urine sample.
1:10 a.m. security raid, Neill-Wycik
The Drinking Olympics come to a premature and unexpected end halfway through the scheduled events. Teams are enjoying a much-deserved break following drunken twister when Neill-Wycik security decide to shut the Games down. “Whadda ya mean we have to leave? We haven’t even started to break stuff yet,” Ireland’s Fitz-Gerald says in a drunken stupor, trying to reason with security.
Competitors are told they have 10 minutes to vacate The Steamer. Everyone staggers off to Mick E. Fynn’s pub, where, in the pure spirit of friendly competition, they play a few rounds of free-style drinking. Judge Dingman decided to award two honorary medals after the alcohol binge, gold to Rice (Britain) for her puking rendition performed at The Eyeopener, and a silver to Fitz-Gerald (Ireland), who threw up outside of not one, but two of his roommates’ doors.
2:30 a.m., Bobchairing, North Jorgenson, Ryerson
Finally, the evil, yet sober judge, suggests the teams compete, for fun, in a neckbreaking game of bobchairing. The ill-conceived and dangerous pasttime is enjoyed by many Jorgenson dungeon dwellers. It involved putting your drunk teammates in wheeled office chairs and shoving them down the large ramp in the north basement while screaming, “Go! Go! Go! Look out for the wall!”
Many unnecessary injuries are sustained in the last event, mostly by RyeSAC president-elect David Steele. In the end no honorary medals are awarded for the event and the Eyeopener Drinking Olympics Committee is disbanded because it fails to offer fair and consistent judging. Burlington, Ontario has already put in a bid to host the next Games.