Photo: Katie Johnson

The rebirth of Robert Mackenzie

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Pew Chalmers

Robert Mackenzie wakes up and prepares the same breakfast that he’s eaten for the past four months.

He pours his corn flakes and milk, then peels a banana from the bottom because he heard that’s how monkeys do it and it makes him feel unique and interesting. These quaint routines are what Mackenzie credits for his “rebirth.”

“After all the dust settled last semester, I realized that I needed to slow down and get back to my roots,” he says as he sips on his morning yum yum, a mixture of chocolate milk and hot sprite. “I’ve been able to evaluate my choices and regain perspective.”

Four months ago, the former Fun editor was the centre of biggest scandal in the history of The Eyeopener’s Fun section, ultimately leading to his resignation.

“I truly believe that I have changed, and I hope that voters will feel the same”

“It was a dark time in my life,” Mackenzie admits, as he pours himself seconds of the yum yum. “I entered the position with positivity and innovative ideas and that resulted in success. Next thing you know, Fun is bringing in more revenue than any other section. It was more money than I had ever imagined, let alone handled. I was immature and unable deal with the responsibilities.”

Mackenzie hopes that his newfound openness and honesty will resonate with the public and his peers. Because today, Mackenzie is announcing that he will be running to regain his position as The Eyeopener’s Fun editor.

“I realize that I’ve burnt some bridges,” he says. “But I truly believe that I have changed, and I hope that voters will feel the same.”

This announcement comes as a shock to many, as it was expected that current Fun editor Skyler Ash would run unopposed and reclaim the position for next year.

“Shocking is definitely the fucking word for it,” says sports editor Devin Jones. Jones was among many of The Eyeopener’s top brass who called for Mackenzie’s resignation at the end of the fall semester.

“At the time what he did was indefensible,” Jones says, as he slaps a copy of the Ryersonian. “But Robert has always been a fucking innovative voice, so it will be interesting to see this so-called rebirth first hand.”

In his early days as a grassroots fun writer, Mackenzie made a name for himself by building lasting friendships, marketing his brand and having a passion for Fun.

“Fun was in his blood. He would be thinking about Fun every waking moment. He was an inspiration to work with,” former Fun editor Emma Cosgrove says. “It was almost like he had too much time on his hands, to come up with all of these intelligent, smart and influential ideas for the section.”

“Fun was in his blood”

As the election approaches, Mackenzie needs his rebirth to resonate with the voting public if he has any chance of taking down the Ash’s powerful reign on the position.

He has announced his campaign slogan, Fun for All. And will be holding rallies all around Ryerson in the coming days, starting with his official campaign launch this Thursday.

“I’m entering this as an underdoggie [sic], but I am confident that I will be able to regain the trust of the Fun community,” Mackenzie says. “Fun is what I do. Fun is who I am. Fun is me, me is Fun [sic].”

With files from Robert Mackenzie

[mlw_quizmaster quiz=2]

Leave a Comment