By Zachary Roman
This is a satire piece from our Fun Issue, The Darkest Timeline. Life has become such a clusterfuck that it’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire. While this is a made up story, it’s rooted in truth and research to provide social commentary. Have fun reading!
A whistleblower, who has remained anonymous for fear of assassination, told The Eyeopener that Doug Ford is implicated in a Fyre Festival-esque tax evasion scheme.
According to the Sunshine List, a database that includes Ontarians who make over $100,000 per year, Doug Ford’s 2019 salary is currently at $112,958.06. This places him into a personal income tax bracket of 11.16 per cent, according to the government of Ontario’s website.
Doug Ford. The man who accused student unions of being ‘up to Marxist nonsense’ in a fundraising email last February. The man who ditched the traditional media bus on his campaign only to release interviews on his party-owned Ontario News Now network (which totally isn’t unethical). The man who ended a press conference by declaring the media “the official opposition.”
According to our source, Ford and other wannabe global elites are stashing money offshore on a solar powered yacht that never docks. “They have been dodging taxes since before taxes were even a thing,” said the whistleblower, with a wild look in their eyes. “A spray-tanned goblin like Ford is the perfect candidate to join a secret tax evasion society.”
The next day, Ford took to Twitter to deny the accusations of tax fraud. “I would never cheat on my taxes. If we don’t all pay our fair share, the corporations I’m in bed with won’t get enough of citizens’ money,” said Ford.
This issue has become a common topic at press conferences to Ford’s dismay. “I get along with journalists one-on-one, I really do,” Ford said. “I like them, but it’s like the cheese slipped off the cracker with these guys and they went far-left. My friends would never ask me about my taxes.”
As Ford walked back to his office after a media scrum this past Friday, he heard a journalist shout at him, asking about line 185 of his income tax slip.
“Screw it, I’m cancelling journalism,” said Ford, storming back into the scrum. “As of right now, all journalism is illegal and punishable by imprisonment.” Toronto Star courts reporter Wendy Gillis asked Ford how this would fly in a court of law, to which Ford replied: “Where we’re going, we don’t need laws.”
While everyone was distracted, Ford’s close personal friend Ron Taverner appeared and body slammed Gillis out of Queen’s Park, sending her plummeting 16 feet through a mediator’s table. The incident bore a resemblance to the WWE’s 1998 ‘Hell in a Cell’ event.
Last year, Taverner was set to become the next commissioner of the Toronto Police Service until the news broke that he was a close family friend of the Ford’s. He is now the head of Ford’s anti-journalism task force (AJTF).
“I’m here to make sure the cheese stays firmly on these journalist’s crackers,” he said.
Former Toronto Sun editorial director Jamie Wallace is also involved with the AJTF. As Ford’s chief of staff, he is in charge of recruiting like-minded immoral individuals to join the secret group.
Toronto Police have been raiding every competent news outlet in the city and arresting everyone inside. The Toronto Star, Globe and Mail, CP24 and City News have all been hit, with the Toronto Sun and Rebel Media left untouched. Raids are spreading across the province under the direction of Taverner.
As the era of news in Ontario comes to an end, I urge you readers to rise up against this injustice. Spread the word on social media and make this a national emergency!
I’m not sure how much time I have left here at The Eye before I’m found out and locked away forever. I’m sending to this article to my editor before it’s too late. Oh fuck, is that Doug Ford in the reflection of my comput—