God abandons humanity to loiter on campus

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By Tyler Griffin

This is a satire piece from our Fun Issue, The Darkest Timeline. Life has become such a clusterfuck that it’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire. While this is a made up story, it’s rooted in truth and research to provide social commentary. Have fun reading!

Multiple students have reported finding God on Ryerson campus this week, only to come to the somber realization that He sucks just as much as we do.

Students said they felt overjoyed to find His blinding light and promise of eternal life, but were shocked to discover He had taken on the form of a Gould Street skater boy.

God alleged that He took such mortal form because it was the “perfect vessel” to understand the complexity of the human condition.

Fourth-year film student and former God-fearing mortal Thea Byss texted God one night when she found out He was on Earth. “U up?” she texted Him, in search of answers to her despair. After proposing a meetup, God wrote via iMessage: “Yes my son.” 

The day of their meetup on Tuesday, Byss said she woke up slightly less dead inside than usual and dragged her flesh prison to the Victoria Street Tim Hortons. 

When Byss entered Tim Hortons she ran into God, the original Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Byss said He had a shaved head, finger tattoos and one dangly earring. “Dude, where the fuck have you been?” Byss asked Him.

The Supreme Being explained He abandoned humanity after millennia of sin and human rights violations, but was trying to reconnect with His children after a recent backpacking trip through Thailand.

God admitted He ran away from the Kingdom of Heaven to try and understand the hardships of the working class. “Southeast Asia was life-changing. I did a lot of soul-searching.”

“I’m thinking of teaching kids English in Bali next year,” our Lord and Heavenly Father said.

Byss said that listening to God’s white saviour complex was the second most unbearable thing in her day, after listening to a white guy in her philosophy class play “devil’s advocate.”

English student Proust Malone found God loitering in a cloud of cucumber Juul smoke in front of the IMA building. Malone asked God how he could get closer to Him in the godless life he leads, to which God replied, “Try acid.”

“I was trying to understand the secret to living a holy life free from sin, but he wouldn’t shut up about the time he tried Ayahuasca.”

The student asked The Almighty Being to prove His omnipotent powers by answering the question on every student’s mind: when the godforsaken Gould Street construction will end?

“The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field; and this is smaller than all other seeds, but when it is full grown, it is larger than the garden plants and becomes a tree,” God replied.

“I have no fucking idea what that is supposed to mean,” Malone told The Eye.

Malone left the interaction with a strange sense of hopefulness. “Maybe God really is dead, like, metaphorically—and good fucking riddance,” Malone said before running into the middle of the street and screaming at the sun. “HE IS DEAD! WE ARE FREE! GO ON, LIVE, NOW AND FOREVER!”

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