Students just fucking hope we’re in a simulation

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By Lyba Mansoor

This is a satire piece from our Fun Issue, The Darkest Timeline. Life has become such a clusterfuck that it’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire. While this is a made up story, it’s rooted in truth and research to provide social commentary. Have fun reading!

The climate crisis, the discovery of incels and the nazis are in. Our world is pretty fucked up right now. But what if this isn’t actually our world? 

A handful of Ryerson students, under the club Zion, a safe haven for those who are #woke, are convinced that what we call reality is nothing more than a very complex lie. 

They believe we’re trapped in a sophisticated simulated reality, and they’re on the lookout for The One. 

The group is led by third-year student More Pheus, constantly enveloped in his signature leather trench coat and comically small sunglasses (which also come as an accessory in a Barbie playset). Ryerson students believe finding The One will set humans free from this simulation. 

“I realized we were stuck in a simulation in 2016 during the U.S. elections,” he said. “The way that unfolded, it had to have been a glitch in the system—a really bad, racist, misogynistic glitch.”

Pheus claims the simulation has been glitching ever since. 

“The Notre Dame Cathedral caught on fire and Grumpy Cat DIED this year. What more proof do we need?” Pheus cried. 

Amongst all this craziness, Pheus said that he found inspiration in a fortune cookie. 

“I went to a Chinese restaurant called The Oracle, and when I was done eating dinner I opened my fortune cookie it said, ‘We’re living in a simulation and The One can save us all from this toxic hell.’” 

After this, Pheus petitioned for the club Zion. He wanted to find other like-minded students and save them from the simulation. 

He was sure having a larger group would also increase their chances of finding The One. 

“I knew I needed help, and I knew I couldn’t have been the only one noticing the glitches,” he said. Pheus began putting up posters around Ryerson, advertising both club Zion, and his tireless search for The One. 

The posters attracted a handful of students who have since joined his cause. 

One Ryerson student, Trint Itty, describes her interest in the club and her experience with it. 

“The notion that this is all a simulated reality is kind of comforting. I mean, I’d rather believe our real bodies are Tethers currently floating in sleep pods, being harvested for bio-electrical power by some evil forces, than to think that this is the world we’re living in,” she said. 

Itty explained that it was slightly odd interviewing for membership.

“It wasn’t a traditional interview, but I guess this isn’t a traditional group. He made me, and the others, choose between a red Jolly Rancher or a blue Jolly Rancher. Those of us who chose red got to join. I don’t really know what happened to the others…” 

With several students aiding his cause now, Pheus is steadfast on finding The One and “freeing humanity from the shackles of the simulation.” 

“Some may call us and our cause crazy, but I’d say accepting this as real life is crazier,” he said. 

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