Romantic red flags for men at Ontario universities

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By Gabriela Silva Ponte

I’m back! If you haven’t read my previous piece on romantic red flags based on programs and majors at Ryerson University, you’re in for a treat. Unlike that piece though, today we’re roasting everyone BUT Ryerson and women-identifying students.

Western University 

I love to start with the worst! If they go to Western, they’re definitely the type to party the night before an exam and then blame their failing grade on that. All the men there have a ‘Saturdays Are For The Boys’ sign on their wall to make sure that if their partner FaceTimes them while they’re partying, they’ll still look like they’re comfortable in their own dorm. Problem is, when you don’t see the Barstool Sports logo signalling it as an official merch purchase and question them about it, they’ll gaslight you into thinking it grew legs and walked away.

Queen’s University 

I think it’s funny to put Queen’s after Western especially when they can’t stand each other. They’ll send you pictures of their abs, with a hockey jersey hanging on the wall behind them. Unfortunately, the jersey isn’t theirs because they never played any sports. The abs are genetic, much like the way all their other privileges are handed down. If that’s not enough to turn you away, I don’t know what is.

Trent University 

Located in lovely Peterborough, Ont., nothing says a hands-on experience like being an environmental science student living by a lake in what looks like the middle of the woods. So before you date a student from here, think about whether you want to be asked to skinny dip in the oh-so-safe lake with seven different types of fungi festering in it every weekend. 

University of Toronto

These boys all live under a rock because they’re too swamped with work to even read a news story. If you’re up to hearing them rant about their workload and cry about their professor, buckle in. But, hey, either way, it’s clear you won’t stop attending their frat parties, regardless of how many rats you see walking through the hallways of the house. 

York University 

‘If you can hold a fork you can go to York,’ is a little bit outdone. I propose: ‘If you go to York, you should buy a cork!’ To stuff in their mouth of course. Just so they have to think twice before they ask you to do their assignments for them. If academic dishonesty is your thing, go ahead and date these guys.

University of Waterloo

There’s no journalism program at this university, which is probably for the best so that they aren’t roasted by articles like these AND by Wilfrid Laurier University party students every weekend. That would mean they’d have to go cry in their prison-cell-like dorms. But then again, maybe they like the cell dorms–it’s the closest thing to a ‘bad boy’ experience they’ll ever have. So if you love immature (sorry) good guys who wear blue light blocking glasses, go and get your man!

University of Guelph

Do these people even exist anymore? It’s a universally known fact that everyone from your high school who went to Guelph fell off the face of the Earth. That probably means they’ll go MIA on their romantic partner as well.

McMaster University 

Ending it off strong because I have more enemies at this university than Nate Jacobs on Euphoria. Choosing to live in Hamilton of all places is a red flag in itself, but I also think it’s a red flag that they like to flip cars, jump off trees and break windshields for a living. The poor Hamilton streets, and you, were so much better before these students joined them and broke everything. They’ll tell you the view is amazing when all you can see is the sky and rave about how great the food on campus is when the daily special tomato sauce is just ketchup. 

That just about wraps it up. I told you to stay away from Ryerson students last time, now I’ll tell you to stay away from all other university students. Either move to a different country, or entirely cut out dating. At this point, the options are slim.

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