Author: Editor In Chief

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Star basketball guards ponder leaving Rye

By Steve Petrick The men’s basketball team is at risk of losing its two best freshmen. Guards Karlo Villanueva and Sandy Brar wouldn’t comment on how likely it is they’ll return to Ryerson next year and said they’ll have to improve their grades to be eligible to play. “I don’t know if I’m coming back,” […]

You didn’t sell your soul to Eggy

I see you have principles. Nice. You take the letter out of your back pocket. You look at it closely, inspecting the wax seal and fine calligraphy. “So, you have been expecting me?” you ask Lachemi. “What’s this letter worth to you then?” Lachemi takes a long pause, and a longer pull of his blunt. […]

You refuse to hand over the letter

Bold. I like it. “Mr. Lachemi I’m afraid I can’t give you this letter,” you say. Lachemi lunges for his desk drawer and pulls out a big ass sword. You turn around and book it for the door. But it’s too late—it slams shut. Lachemi gives you an evil grin that would make even Waluigi […]

You sold your soul to Eggy

This could be bad. You hand over the letter and Lachemi tears into it with his teeth. He reads aloud: “Dear Mr. Lachemi, this message will not be easy to hear, so I shall be succinct. I am writing to inform you that your tenure as Ryerson’s president is nearing its end. I have found […]

You give Lachemi the letter

You’ve made it this far. Aren’t the slightest bit curious? Who cares what is inside the letter, you’re rich baby! Before handing it over to Lachemi, you get him to e-transfer you the money. The transaction is approved. Before he can open it or say anything, you get up and get the heck out of […]

Walk down Gould Street through construction

That smelly smell that smells You decide that walking down Gould Street towards the construction is the best course of action. Maybe Lachemi is there, lambasting the construction workers and project manager for not finishing his precious urban campus on time. Those assholes at The Eyeopener just won’t get off his case about it. What’s […]

Walk around Lake Devo

Shortcuts always do the trick. You see your evil ex in the distance across the road from you, so you decide to cut across the street while you still can. As you hop on the street, you hear what a gnarly kickflip behind you. “Watch out!” A skater boy calls out to you as he […]

Walk down the sidewalk

WHOM??????? You begin walking down the sidewalk towards the Student Campus Centre (SCC). Wait a piping-hot-pizza-bagel second. Is that fucking RAM GANESH himself out in broad daylight!? You’re a naturally curious individual, so you approach him. What do you ask him first? Ask him about the missing student money Ask him if he knows where […]

Ask him about the missing student money

Does anyone else hear the DragonBallZ intro music playing? Former Ryerson Students’ Union president Ram Ganesh disappeared off the face of the Earth after the alleged credit card scandal last year. You test the waters and ask him, “Ram, where IS the money from last year?” He cackles. The ground begins to tremble and the […]

Ask him if he knows where Lachemi is

Why did he just get paler? You ask Ganesh if he knows where Lachemi is. It makes sense that he would know, considering he needs to hide from the man at all times. “You should check Kerr Hall,” says Ganesh. You thank him and get on your way. That was quick and transactional. Nice. And […]

You enter Kerr Hall

One of the worst buildings on campus God this building just sucks. Before you stands the man, myth and legend Eggy the mascot. Elsewhere you see the spiralling halls of the building. Which one do you choose? Talk to Eggy Wander Kerr Hall

You wander Kerr Hall

How can a building that’s a square be so complicated? If Lachemi was hiding somewhere it’d be in Ryerson’s equivalent of a sneaky maze hell: Kerr Hall. You look around with a strong sense of direction. Maybe he’s perched on the shiny basketball court in the Kerr Hall gym. Or doing lab experiments in Kerr […]

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