By Rochelle Raveendran
The Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) sunk to new depths on Jan. 20 with their latest violation of union bylaws, dragging with it a student body whose expectations are so low that our fingertips are practically grazing the leathery skin of a sea cucumber sitting on the Pacific Ocean floor.
As reported by The Eyeopener, the RSU broke its own bylaws by not giving 14 days notice of the upcoming election dates and nomination period before the nomination period began.
RSU president Siddhanth Satish, who was elected by approximately 0.03 per cent of Ryerson’s student body, responded to The Eye’s news team after they sent him 72 emails, 49 LinkedIn direct messages and a telepathic request for comment transmitted while the team knelt in a circle holding hands around a burning effigy of Eggy the Ram.
Satish called the report “inflammatory, incendiary and kind of a bummer, dude.” He also rejected calls for an apology by the RSU for their disregard of their own bylaws.
“My all-time favourite quote is, ‘Don’t ask for permission, beg for forgiveness,’” said Satish. “But my motto has always been: ‘Never, ever beg. Not in any situation, under any circumstances. Never beg.’”
“Our Roller Skate Space Jam was a grand slam program”
Though many discerning observers would protest the union’s newest infraction, such ineptitude appears consistent with the RSU executive team’s mandate; to dutifully cash in their $36,000 annual salaries while occasionally throwing students a brittle bone in the form of free funnel cake and a “Roller Skate Space Jam” on Lake Devo.
Vice-president student life and events Akibul Hoque refused to comment on the RSU’s dubious student outreach attempt, but gave a passionately poetic defence of their events schedule.
“Our Roller Skate Space Jam was a grand slam program. Calling it a scam would be a damn sham, man. Now scram!” he said, before rolling away unsteadily on a pair of wobbly beige roller skates.
In the past few months alone, the RSU has proven incapable of both creating an accurate Google Form and editing an inaccurate Google Form. Consequently, some Ryerson students are questioning whether the union should be trusted with managing millions of dollars in student funds.
“When I saw their snazzy high-definition headshots on the RSU website, I was pretty impressed,” said third-year biology student Jenny Marble. “But a tweed blazer doesn’t make you a good leader–just like my hobby of slicing open teddy bears with a blunt Swiss Army knife doesn’t make me a surgeon.”
Vice-president operations and tweed-blazer owner Vaishali Vinayak claimed the latest reports of RSU wrongdoing were an attempt to distract from their recent partnership with Bell Let’s Talk, a famously genuine and effective mental health marketing campaign that everyone loves and no one criticizes whatsoever.
“With our new initiative, what we’re really saying to students is: Come here. Pull up a chair. Take a seat. Feel free to wriggle around a little, get comfy. Now, look into my eyes. Deeper than that. Really look at me, see me for who I am, and let me see you for who you are. Let’s have a real conversation. Let’s converse, you know? Let’s talk,” Vinayak said.
On the allegations of breaking RSU bylaws, she replied: “Oh, I don’t wanna talk about that.”
“If politicians are only human, then student politicians are barely human”
Outside of legal transgressions, the RSU also suffers from a lack of basic technological know-how. In November, the union was incapable of admitting 100 students into the Semi-Annual General (Zoom) Meeting, even though 100 students were needed to meet quorum.
For vice-president education Tarman Kaur, such gaffes are not insidious attempts at electorate suppression, but just cute little mistakes by a team who are trying their best.
“If politicians are only human, then student politicians are barely human,” said Kaur. “We’re still learning the ropes of democracy. When Obama was in his twenties, he wasn’t dealing with this much responsibility–he was just chillin’ in Hawaii.”
Despite their repeated incompetence, the RSU continues to rack up business promotions, currently offering students a discounted subscription to Grammarly or Calm. This is an addition to a 10 per cent discount at Popeye’s eligible only at one particular store in Whitby, Ont., franchise number: #192830.
At this time, The Eye cannot confirm or deny whether participants in these promotions will be subject to mild coercion and threats, gentle or otherwise, in the course of RSU campaigning for the upcoming election cycle.
Vice-president equity Maleha Yasmin also could neither confirm nor deny whether participants will be subject to mild coercion and threats, gentle or otherwise, in the course of RSU campaigning for the upcoming election cycle. However, she did present her elevator pitch for a six-part documentary series on Canadian university student unions that she hopes to produce after graduating.
“Student unions are just so mysterious and cryptic and remote and inaccessible,” she said. “I’d love to yank open the Iron Curtains separating the execs from everyone else and really explore their depths.” Yasmin then paused for a moment, before adding: “That’s what student unions are like, right?”
The RSU has not responded to any correspondence from The Eye in several months. As such, their responses have been constructed via The Eye’s artificial intelligence and the writer’s human intelligence.