The Darkest Timeline: I can’t believe it’s not better

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By Andrea Josic

I’ve always been big on conspiracy theories.

The alleged death of early 2000s punk queen Avril Lavigne was the first conspiracy theory that pulled me into the cobwebs of deep Internet research. I came across a detailed Tumblr post about Lavigne’s alleged death, for still undiscovered reasons, when I was an angsty 15-year-old in 2013. 

Apparently, Lavigne’s doppelganger named Melissa was hired so that the record company could continue capitalizing on the fame that came with Lavigne’s debut album “Let Go.” Evidence to support the theory included picture comparisons of birthmarks and facial features, lyrics from later released songs that supposedly allude to her death and even a paparazzi shot of Lavigne with the name “Melissa” written on her hand. 

Buying into the theory was a big decision for me. If I believed that Lavigne was Melissa, that would mean that I would never see Lavigne sing “Sk8er Boi”­—it would be Melissa instead. Such is the price for truth.

At 15, the stakes were high. But more recently, I focus on and hold dear to my heart one particular high-stake conspiracy: the multiverse theory. This theory says there are infinite parallel universes, where different versions of our current reality exist. It is equal parts interesting and depressing.

It would mean that no matter how shitty your life is, there’s a universe out there where you’re better off. But it also means there’s a reality where things are much, much worse.

According to variations of the multiverse theory, sometimes there are glitches where universes interchange, and our universe becomes the worst for a brief period of time. This brings us to The Darkest Timeline.

We don’t call it The Darkest Timeline because things are fucked in a “this is it and we’re all going to die” kind of way, but more so in a “this is a massive clusterfuck and it’s time to do something about it” way. What I’m holding onto, and what you should be holding onto as well, is the fact that every cluster can be unclustered.

As the Fun & Satire editor, it’s basically in my job description to make fun of such clusters. That’s why I combined satire and reported stories in order to prove to you that we truly are in The Darkest Timeline glitch. 

After reading this issue, you’ll be able to laugh about the scary things, then we’ll deal with them together. 

I can’t believe it’s not better. But I believe we’ll get there.

The Darkest Timeline issue features a variety of satire and reported stories. Check out our content below:

Budget cuts fuck newspaper, two editors left

True confessions from Toronto’s housing hell

The rise of eco-anxiety

Creative freelancer runs out of personal narratives to profit off of

Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered

Good vibes despite planetary existential crisis

Child care cuts in Ontario are hurting kids

Ryerson counselling wait times are still months long

RSU becomes a victim of cancel culture through Student Choice Initiative

Doug Ford worried journalists will find his tax refund, cancels journalism

Students just fucking hope we’re living in a simulation

God abandons humanity to loiter on campus

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